Category: The mind

Parents, Teachers, Coaches – A Trap To Avoid

Too much success can be bad for children. Children needing success to be happy is not the best. Strange statements but think about them a little bit. A coach who measures success by the size of the trophy will not be happy with 2nd. When being 2nd could be the most the team could do at the moment. Unhappy coach with 2nd?

Does happiness and the feeling of success depend on placement, medals, trophies, comparisons? There is a place for competition and head to head comparisons of who is best but that shouldn’t determine our feeling of success and happiness the majority of the time.

We will have happier children if they are taught to move forward rather than always trying to stand on the highest block at the awards stand. If the goal for 20 divers is to be 1st, 19 will feel unsuccessful, defeated and unhappy. Losing the Super Bowl is being better than all of the other professional football teams except one. Failure? Unsuccessful? Unhappy? Get real.

If winning is always the goal, some children may not want to try because the odds are stacked against them. First is a byproduct of hard work, focus and improvement. Winning is secondary. Preparation, effort and the right set of goals will prepare our young people to want to try more. To want to challenge themselves.

Youth sports can’t be about 19 out of 20 children walking away feeling like a failure. Eventually, walking away with your head and shoulders sagging too often will move into “I don’t really want to try.” “Why bother.” “Why take a chance of making myself unhappy?” These kids are smart. They want to feel unhappy and feel unsuccessful?

We should strive for “tryers.” Everyone gets a trophy? 100% awards? Bribes to make them happy? We don’t think these children have brains? “A bad meet and they handed me a trophy? I am confused.” The emphasis on the trophy or the emphasis on moving forward, challenging yourself and improving. Our choice, as teachers, coaches and parents for our children. (Share if your friends might be interested.) Tom Burgdorf & Gymnet Sports on Facebook)

It does make a difference. It does cause an “under the microscope” feeling for some kids and some coaches. The idea of having Mom or Dad or both there every minute of every practice. It can be a distraction that doesn’t always get the best results from the athlete or the coach. Is it necessary? Is it creating a productive atmosphere for learning?

From the athletes perspective, the parent sees every mistake? And every accomplishment. The parent sees every “moment” between athlete and coach. The parent hears every encouraging word, every “I am disappointed in that effort” word. The parent sees every “up” moment and every “down” moment in practice?

Does this discourage the closeness between athlete and coach? Should the parents share in every coach/athlete conversation, situation, challenge? Is the athlete being evaluated every moment, every movement and every word at every practice by her parent? Necessary?

From the coaches perspective, the parent sees all of the body language? All of the methods to motivate, inspire and excite? No, it isn’t that we need to hide our “black magic” but there are moments and situations that should be between athlete and coach and no one else.

Consider allowing the coaches and athletes time on their own at practices. An athlete practicing 6 hours a week, 50 weeks a year equals 300 hours for the “always there” parent to do something else. 300 hours for drinking at a bar. For book reading at the quaint restaurant around the corner from the gym. For a college class. For anything that makes you happy.

(Share if this might help.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook

It’s not what is handed to them, it is what they reach for. It is what they desire and what they are willing to work for and be challenged by. Internal strength doesn’t come from what is “easy.” Internal strength comes from individual accomplished challenges not what the adults have handed out.

Internal strength doesn’t come from being picked up by others but getting up yourself. Looking in the mirror and saying “I can do this.” Not looking around and asking “who can help me.” We are developing a better young adult when we allow them to be challenged. Allow them to evaluate the challenges and then allowing them to prove themselves. Always clearing the path for them creates dependency on others rather than confidence to clear the hurdle.

Internal strength comes with a price. That price is an early life of “less easy.” Our young adults need to be stronger, tougher and more willing to bounce back. Our young adults need to know that “they” are the ones that make things happen. Less giving and more earning will make us proud of them later. Less entitlement. Less feelings that every minute life will be what you want it to be. Less adults bending the rules so that everyone is supposedly successful. Fake success.

Internal strength comes from adults creating situations where children are challenged with attainable success for them. To build confidence. To always give them the answers and to always protect them from slightly uncomfortable situations creates soft children who become soft young adults who become ill prepared adults for life on their own.

Build internal strength in your children. (Share with your team parents if you think this message may help.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook

Our goal is to give our children a safe, happy and educational childhood. All three are very important. Many parents view the 1st 18 years in the life of a child as a base for developing the tools to be happy and successful for the remaining 60 years of their life. The vast majority of the life of every individual is “away from their parents.” We need to develop young adults who have the tools they need to make the right choices to be happy and successful. We have just a few years to do this before they “drive away” to college and their life away from our influence, protective umbrella and control. Are you actively developing that independent young adult?

It is a difficult task to teach “hard work ethic” if we don’t put our children in hard work situations.
It is a difficult task to teach “resilience” when we don’t let them fall down.
It is a difficult task to teach “decision making” when we always make the choices for them.

Parenting is difficult. Parenting is exhausting sometimes. But parenting is probably our most important job in life. And we can’t mess up this parenting job because we give too much, we expect too little and we give in too often. The tools they need are learned from us as we strive to get an “A+” in parenting. How serious is this? We don’t get a second chance with that young adult “driving away” to college and the rest of their life.

Do you want a hard worker driving away?
Do you want a smart decision maker driving away?
Do you want someone who is ready and willing to sweat driving away?
Do you want someone who is capable of getting up by themselves when they fall?

Your child will love you more for their independent 60 years if you give them the tools through smart, tough, high expectation parenting. Don’t succumb to the “I need you to love me” style of give, give, give parenting we see in some parents.

The “drive away” is closer than you think. (Share with your team parents if you think this message may help.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook

Parents, Teachers & Coaches – When Children Cause Their Own Pain – And Then Get Away With It

Parents, teachers and coaches are not terrible people for setting guidelines for our children. We aren’t terrible people for setting limits. We are not unreasonable in how we expect our children to behave. We are not horrible for having expectations of effort and achievement that match the current development of our kids.

Our children 0 – 11, and our young adults 12 – 18, cause most of their own situations and pain. When you mess up you learn from your mistakes when you are corrected and sometimes lose something. You learn when you lose a privilege for a short time. You learn when an adult in your life is honest with you after a poor effort. After an act of laziness. After an act of defiance. A parent, coach or teacher saying “that isn’t acceptable,” should be powerful.

Children and young adults also learn when they mess up and then get away with it. A good lesson they learned? No.

A lot of our problems as parents, teachers and coaches happen because we don’t believe the children and young adults we work with can actually do the simple things we ask them to do. Clean your room. Hard? Get up when your alarm goes off. Hard? Help set the table. Hard? Do your homework without being reminded. Hard? Give a good effort at practice. Hard? Going to bed at a certain, reasonable time. Hard?

The strategy for most children and young adults, to get what they want, is to “wear you down.” Complain enough, whine enough and Mom will give in.” We are smarter than that. Another strategy is to play the “you are making me sad” card. Another is “I won’t love you” if you make me do this or take something away. There is a secret course or book somewhere that each child and young adult learn from on how to get their way. But we are smarter.

Let’s wise up as parents, teachers and coaches about our ultimate goal: creating well prepared young adults for the “drive away” to college and their independent life. When children create their own pain they need consistency from us to not reward or let them get away with it. No, it is not all about punishment but it is a lot about making sure the child, young adult, knows they made a mistake or made the wrong choice.

If they don’t learn these correct lessons from us, do we feel comfortable when they learn these lessons at age 19 (in college), or 24 (in their job) or 30 (in their marriage)?

Giving in to laziness, defiance and poor efforts is wrong. It is bad parenting, it is bad coaching and it is bad teaching. When they choose to cause their own poor situation or pain it doesn’t help them to get patted on the back with an “oh well.” Their college professor won’t say “oh well.” Their boss won’t say “oh well.” Their spouse won’t say “oh well.”

Parenting, teaching and coaching are difficult. But we are strong enough, we are smart enough and we care enough about the development of these children and young adults to believe in what needs to be done. The next time you see them try to wear you down, smile at them because you know what they are trying to do. We can show them the right way. Everything is at stake when we watch them drive away. Will you feel comfortable?

The “drive away” is closer than you think. (If you like this message, share with your friends who are parents, teachers or coaches.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook

An “end of week” thought.

Young children, rightly so, grow in their early years relying on others for just about everything. One of the important “light bulb” moments in their maturity comes when they look around and determine that THEY can have an effect on themselves and their life. Each year they find more and more opportunities to evaluate and make decisions. They learn that one of the most important people they can rely on is THEMSELVES. Parents, teachers and coaches can be important guides in this maturity process.

But if we do too much for the children. If we protect them too much. If we pamper them too much. If we don’t allow them to struggle a little. If we don’t give them those few precious seconds to tie their own shoes, we will stifle their learning of the “I can rely on myself” lesson.

Life boils down, in some ways, to having confidence in yourself. Waking up in the morning and saying, with confidence, “I’ve got this.” Not “I will call Mom for advice,” or “I am sure they will give me a second chance,” but “I, me, can handle this.” Yes, it is great that we surround ourselves with people who can help us but the game gets better when we can handle more of life on our own.

Pay the rent by ourselves. Pay the car payment by ourselves. Decide what food makes us healthier. Live life without the crutch of credit and debt and advise. These thoughts have to be part of the maturing of our young people. Think before you act because there are repercussions. Some more serious than others. Don’t rely on being “saved” all of the time. In life, there isn’t a safety net there every day. We are doing a poor job of training our young people if the lesson is there is an automatic safety net for them. Or that “everything will be okay.”

The most important person you should be able to rely on is yourself. A special lesson for a prepared young adult as they “drive away,” to their independent life. Allow them to learn that they are capable of handling more and more themselves. (If you like this message, share with your friends who are parents, teachers or coaches.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook

A “new week” thought.

This is a serious subject. If our kids are raised so that they have a fear of trying things, that will limit a lot of opportunities, fun and the possibility of some achievement. We want eager children. We want inquisitive children who want to try new things and “push” a little bit. We want children who look at a situation as a fun chance to challenge themselves rather than a stressful situation where they may “fail.” Or disappoint. Or come up short.

Do we want to develop a young adult worried about the outcome of trying or an eager, self confident “doer?”

If children are raised with the “results are more important then the effort and challenge,” we may wind up with some kids who are reluctant to try. If we teach our kids that a trophy has to be at the end of every competition for the child to feel successful, we are going to frustrate, and stifle, most young people. (That is unless we do the 100% awards thing all of the time.)

Our parenting, our coaching, our teaching should be based on preparation and then giving your best effort in each challenge. And the success of the results are the IMPROVEMENT that each child exhibits not always in “where they rank” compared to others. There is a time and a place for ranking but the true success overall comes in the improvement of each athlete or student.

So as we head into another school year and the Fall sports season, our children should have good attitudes about what the challenges are and what the adults in their lives expect of them. Each child should challenge themselves to be the best they can be but they aren’t going to come any where close to that if they are reluctant to try. (If you like this message, share with your friends who are parents, teachers or coaches.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook

Working Together – athletes/students, teachers, parents and coaches.

To maximize our effectiveness as teachers and coaches we need to develop the trust of our students/athletes. This trust allows the young people to listen to our instruction and, with a clear mind, accept our teachings as a way to progress and learn. If there is only marginal trust in the teacher/student relationship, progress can be slowed as the student questions what our methods and instructions are.

Let’s make it clear, there is nothing wrong with an athlete or student asking a question of the teacher or coach, but “questioning” the intent or the knowledge or the purpose of the teacher/coach is vastly different. The athlete needs to believe that the coach knows what they are doing. A student should accept the teachings of the school teacher. The child should trust their parent to tell them the right thing to do. When the child starts “questioning” the knowledge, integrity and purpose of the instructions, problems can arise.

It is hard for a child to trust their teacher/coach if their parent doesn’t support those teachers and coaches. When the parent “questions” the techniques, rules or policies of a teacher/coach in front of their child, the child is learning something. If the parent shows marginal trust in the teachers/coaches, the children will learn from that. This slows their progress. The child isn’t as eager to follow the instructions of the teacher or coach. ??????????? Are in their head.

Children with negative thoughts about their teachers/coaches are hard to teach. Progress will be slowed. The trust is a must.

Parents with questions should work with the coaches and teachers in the background. Definitely away from the children. If you want your child moving forward at the fastest rate, support the coaches and teachers. What you say about the teachers/coaches in the car is important. What you say at the dinner table is important. We are not perfect but most teachers and coaches are in the 90 – 95% “great” range with what we do. Again, if parents are concerned, work with your teachers/coaches. We must do everything in our power to develop the necessary trust between teacher/coach and athlete/student.

Parents, Teachers & Coaches – Where We Can’t Let Children Fail

As a coach and teacher, I can’t guarantee the performance of a child/athlete. I can do everything right as a coach/teacher, they can do everything right in their preparation, but the outcome of a test or a competition is not guaranteed. But parents, what I CAN guarantee, if you let me, is a much more important lesson for your child than a medal or pats on the back after a game winning homerun. What I can guarantee, if you let me, is teaching that “effort” is what youth sports is all about as well as all of the other challenging situations a child is involved in. Effort.

Every child is totally in control of whether they try. They are totally in control of having a desire to move forward. These 2 concepts have nothing to do with the natural talent they were given by their parents and grandparents. The lesson is “control your effort and desire to improve.” We stress 1st place too much. We stress awards too much.

The pats on the back should come before a competition for the strong effort and focus on PREPARING for the competition, the challenge. The pats on the back from the parents should come the morning of the test at school, before they get on the bus, for having worked so hard in preparing for the test. You ultimately make your life more successful, fun and enjoyable by giving yourself a “chance” to make things happen. Each of us can control the effort, the focus.

We can’t let children drive off to college, and their independent life, with the wrong perception of what success is. Success is not always the biggest trophy. Success isn’t always being a star. Success is improving and achieving levels that are a challenge for each and every person, not always based on a comparison with others.

Let your coaches and teachers have high standards for effort and focus in the gym and in the classroom. Let us “motivate” a little when the children need a little “re-directing” as they start to slightly veer off the road to success for them. Believe that the life of every child will be enhanced if they use preparation and focus as tools to make things happen.

I can’t guarantee a walk off home run for every child on the team but I can guarantee that each hitter will walk up to the plate “prepared” to give their best effort. Prepared to be challenged. Focused on the task at hand. Then we sit back and let “life play out.”

Trust your coaches and teachers to teach “effort and focus.” Your children will be better because of it. (If you like this message, share with your friends who are parents, teachers or coaches.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook

A passionate teacher says that phrase to a student she knows can do better. A “caring, involved, expectant coach” says that phrase to an athlete. A parent who wants their child “prepared when they drive away to college” says that phrase. When a student, athlete, daughter knows how to do something and then gives less then they are capable of, they cannot be allowed to accept that behavior.

“That isn’t good enough” is not a “I hate you” statement. It isn’t a “you are terrible” statement. It is a phrase from someone who cares. It is a brief evaluation of a brief moment of a behavior or attitude. It is a step in learning. I want teachers who are not afraid to say to a student “that isn’t good enough.” The message? “I expect more out of you.” The message? “You have demonstrated to me you know how to do something and now you should do it all of the time.”

This is not about “I know you can hit a homerun.” This is about “we worked on keeping your elbow up when you hit.” This is about “we worked for an hour on your hurdle on vault, you did it properly 20 times in a row and now I expect you to do it that way.” Teachers, coaches and parents should be able to teach these kids individual lessons and then EXPECT them to make that lesson a part of their normal behavior. That is NOT too much to expect of a seven year old, or a 10 year old or especially a 15 year old.

Children should start to live their lives thinking about what is expected of them. Life isn’t about “do whatever I feel like doing.” Life is not about “who cares what others think.”

If you are a parent, teacher or coach who is afraid to say “that isn’t good enough,” you are missing something. Parents – if you do not allow the teachers and coaches in the life of your child to be able to say that phrase, the progress of your child will be hurt. I want teachers, coaches and parents who see that phrase as a tool to inspire better behavior. Better attitudes. Better desire. That isn’t a crushing phrase. That is a phrase that says “I care, I won’t let you go down that path, I won’t let you be lazy, I won’t let you disappoint yourself.”

Children need hear that phrase when appropriate. Your children will be better because of it. (I would love to hear your comments about this subject)(If you like this message, share with your friends who are parents, teachers or coaches.) Tom Burgdorf and Gymnet Sports on Facebook